Trust Yourself

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Decision making has always been hard for me on a personal level. I can make decisions all day at work. I set the direction for the team and facility, I hire, I fire, I determine how to spend our resources. But, come home and even choosing what to eat can stop me dead in my tracks. It really has never bothered me. I surround myself with people at home to make the choices of what movie to see,what to do on the weekend, and even which direction to walk at night. But now the kids are gone, and my wife is heading to Spokane for the summer to study. I am left with the realization that I will have to decide how to use my time, what to feed myself, whether or not to go out to a bar with friends. It's not that I can't make these choices, it's that I am afraid I will make a wrong choice, a bad choice, a choice that will cause people to question my motives and thinking process. For all practical purposes I don't trust myself to make the decision that I think everyone else would be most happy and supportive of me making.




You see, many years back I found it easier to do what you (and i use "you" collectively) wanted, think what you wanted me to think, go where you wanted me to go. It became all about making others happy because it created less conflict, promoted harmony, reduced problems. What I failed to realize, was that each time I did this I lost a little more touch with myself. I remembered less about what was important to me, what made me feel alive, what I was passionate about. I stopped thinking about me on a personal level and now I find myself unable to trust that I can make a good decision for me. I don't want to make the decision that I think you want me to make anymore. I want to make that decision which is best for me, the one i know will put a smile on my face, that will take me in the direction I need to go. I want to exercise my ability to think freely and chose rightly for me. I need to trust that I can make good decisions for myself and as the quote says, i will know how to live. It's time for me to grow up in this area of my life. Look out world, here I come.


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Looking for Happiness

"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness;
looking for peace.
They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions,
even other people,
hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them.
The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
~Ramona L. Anderson (1887-1949)American writer

As I was playing around on my IPad the other day, wasting time and trying to at least feel productive, I came across a post in Facebook from a friend of mine Mitch. I don't know if it was the great sunset in his profile picture or the fact that the post was from someone I find interesting, but I quit flicking my finger long enough to read the quote by Ramona Anderson.

I have to tell you, I hate it when a quote speaks into my life and this one definitely did. It got me thinking about my pursuits and the reasons for them. It started me questioning why I involve myself in certain things or behaviors. Is it truly a pursuit of happiness, or drilling down a little deeper, is it my attempt to make myself feel good, or, not feel bad? Why do I hangout with people, watch movies, work so hard, drink, smoke cigars, etc... Is it to try to make myself feel good, feel important, escape feeling lonely, insignificant, unloved or unlovable? Why is it that I define happiness based on external things like number of Facebook friends I have, how many nights I am out of the house, my job title, the car I drive, how many people I make laugh or smile? These aren't bad things, but if they are what I base happiness on, I will start out each morning having to score happiness point in order to define myself as happy for that day. How miserable to start each morning as unhappy, and have to work towards happiness, and who defines how many points you must score to be happy.

Ramona suggests that happiness is not externally driven, but internally based. I have to be honest, I have a hard time with this thinking. I don't always like to look inside and "cultivate the soul, or practice self care, or tend to the issues within." isn't that for introverts, not extroverts. That's the stuff of Psychologists, HR managers, etc... Those who are CEO's or oversee large groups of people, or must out perform the world everyday of the week, can't look inside. I don't know how to define happiness internally. Is it a feeling? I was told feelings aren't always reality. Is it a inner voice? I was told that could be the voices of past fear and doubt, or my elementary school teacher telling me I wasn't coordinated (thanks Mrs. Smith). But it does make more sense that happiness is a state of being rather than an endless pursuit. It is something you know instead of a destination on a map.

Obviously, I have no answers only thought, and that is what looking inward is all about for me. If you have any thoughts or input please add it to my blog or Facebook. May you experience happiness today. I am going to the Brewfest to contemplate.


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